So, you broke up with your girl. It may have been too soon or it may have taken a while, but these things happen. You’re thinking about the next step now, how to move on or how to get over it. Thinking about all the fish in the sea that are left over. Thinking about starting over, from scratch, with someone new and that feels hard.
What if you didn’t have to do all of that? Not all relationships last, but neither do all breakups. No ex moves on that quickly from a relationship. Some breakups are just “breaks” with one side waiting for the other to come back to them. There’s always that thought, a lingering attachment, and just a slim hope that if the right thing happens they can get back together.
That’s the very thing you need to move on. You don’t need to spend another minute fretting or worrying or thinking it’s your fault. It’s time to get your girl back and here’s how:
Know What Women Want
You got a girlfriend once. Do you remember how? It’s all about Attractiveness. It’s not all about looks (but they do matter) that makes up a man’s Attractiveness. It’s the fundamental part of desirability, the most immediate way to make a woman fall for you and the fastest way in – or out – of a relationship.
This is the first hurdle to clear and the first major lesson to learn: Are you Attractive to Her? You might still be, or you might have been and then stopped. But you look the same, right? Again, looks aren’t everything. A lot of attraction stems from behaviors and habits that are easy to see. Actions speak louder than words, after all.
Here are some traits that need to be avoided to stay together:
- Insecurity: A lack of confidence and self assurance leads to a lot of problematic behavior.
- Jealousy: Wanting what others have sends signals that you can’t get it.
- Being a Control Freak: Your girlfriend is her own person, same as you. She has her own life, her own time, and forcing her to act one way will for sure send her in the opposite direction.
- Neediness: Needing her with you all the time or actively seeking validation makes you come off as weak.
- Pushiness: Calling all the time, being “available” every day makes it seem like you have no life but the relationship, nothing else going on, nothing of value.
If you’ve done any of those things or had those behaviors – congratulations. You screwed up. Thankfully, change can happen. Learn new behaviors to replace the old, unattractive things you’ve done:
- Be a Leader: Make plans and stick to them. Decisiveness and forward thinking, being in control, are attractive traits.
- Confidence: Own who you are and show pride in it. Your girl wants you at your best, so be your best self and act like it’s the best she’s got.
- Independence: A weak man will change for anyone or anything. Strong men – the kind women like – have conviction and are themselves. They don’t buckle for the wants of others.
- Lifestyle: Good health and financial habits go a long way. There’s a far cry from being homeless and living in a one-room bachelor pad, but both are unattractive for someone who’s looking to build up a life with you.
- Passion: If you have interests, put energy into them. Local causes, charities, music, sports or exercise; live your life to the fullest, the way that will make someone want to join you to share the joys you do.
Masculinity and Femininity
Women want Men, and there are certain images associated with what it means to be a Man and a Woman that have changed over the years. Back in the 1950s the man went to work and the woman stayed at home. He earned the money that she would spend raising their family together. He’d raise his son to be a man and she’d raise her daughter to be a proper lady.
In the 60s, equal rights and civil rights pushed for a higher cause of equality. Equality of rights among people, including men and women. But the equalizers were pushed onto the wrong things. The most basic solution was to make men more like women and women more like men so they could meet in the middle as “Equals”, when that’s not how relationships work at all. That’s not how humans work.
There are definite masculine traits that are desirable to women that don’t go the other way around. Vice versa, feminine traits are not desirable by women who are looking for a man. They want someone who’s strong, resourceful and has strong convictions. She wants to trust him and his love for her, and that takes strength to do.
More importantly, men are winners. They stand up after getting knocked down – just like you will by getting your ex back. Breakups are just tests, the same kind women put their men through all the time to see if they’re still worthy – still the Man they want in their life.
The strongest thing a man can do is to be willing to take all the time and energy and honest love he’s put into a relationship and leave it once a boundary has been crossed. A man’s principles are sometimes all he has to call himself a man by, and they are enough to keep a man honest to his purpose in life. If those boundaries are crossed, and the man tolerates it, the woman will know he is weak. But a woman would never leave a strong man. How could she, when in both their eyes, he has done nothing wrong?
That sense of self respect that is unassailable is the foundation that strong relationships are built on. Set your boundaries and stand up for them. They are your life and your pride, and the stronger they are the harder it will be for her to leave.
The Setup Phase – Be Scarce
It’s time to start winning her back. You’ve resolved yourself, tested your mettle, reinforced your morals. You are your own man, self-defined and strong. Now comes the first step in interacting with your ex.
No call backs. No messages. If you want to get your ex back, you have to go ghost-mode on her for at least a month. This is a crucial step for a crucial time. It accomplishes these three things immediately:
- Keeps you from showing off needy tendencies. You will miss her, but she has to miss you more.
- It gets her curious. She might think you’ve moved on already, and she’ll want you more if she thinks she can’t have you.
- No distractions. This will be your “you” time to make improvements that you might have missed out on before.
This goes especially for in-person contact. More than 90% of all our understanding of communication is nonverbal. It’s your posture, your eyes and nose and cheeks and shoulders and fidgeting fingers and shifting feet; there’s hundreds of signs going on per minute that speak more about your real feelings than your carefully chosen words. Stay invisible until those signs can be absolved.
Being scarce is all about a battle of nerves. It’s playing hard to get. Maybe your remember that feeling? Was she the girl no one else could talk to, the one who was impossible to approach? Did that make you want her more than the girls who were more open and available? We want what we can’t have, and right now she can’t have you.
Scarcity doesn’t mean coldness, though. The end goal isn’t to get her to go away, it’s to get her back. The sooner a breakup ends the better, right? Well, except that if it can go on and off that easily, what’s to stop her from leaving again? You need conviction, to show that you take this relationship seriously. It’s not an occasional deal to just happen on a whim. If it was, you really would have moved on already.
If you get contacted by her, you can choose to ignore her. This is the risky move. What you actually want to do is be happy, because if you’re not needy or depressed that she left you she’ll suspect that she needs to try harder to win you back. Be casual and polite, let her do most of the talking, let her see you smile like your life is already back on track.
If she brings up the breakup, whatever she has to say, just agree and move on. Being defensive is being needy, you’d rather have her think she’s in control while pulling her along. And limit contact. If it’s on the phone or online, say you’re meeting some friends or make an excuse to leave and then call her again later – the next day or even later than that – to resume the conversation.
In short: Be Friends. For you, this is temporary, and for her, it’s both a comforting reminder that you’re a guy worth keeping around while also serving as a frightening possibility that you might not need her as much as she wants you to.
Even if you’re feeling stressed, don’t show it. Don’t be needy or emotional, don’t be defensive or a jerk about it, and don’t go off bragging about moving on or finding other girls. Just say you’re taking it slow for now and thinking about other things: which is true. This is your “you” time to improve yourself. Make that a reality.
Take Your Time
The reason why it should take about a month is because that’s how long people tend to move on from the bad memories they have of something, but good memories are always harder to get rid of. Barring anything truly traumatic or harrowing, if your breakup was facilitated by a fight or an insulting event, she’ll be over it after a month and will be thinking about the things that made her happy instead.
The world is a small place sometimes. You’re bound to bump into each other if you have a common hangout place. Like a bar where you met, or a gym you both use. If that’s the case and you can’t help but see her occasionally, that’s fine. Treat her like any other friend. You don’t have to talk to her every time. Stay busy, stay focused, and keep up the appearance that you’re doing just fine. Avoid it if you can help it, but if not, it won’t impact the timeline you’re making too hard.
In fact, bumping into her during this scarcity phase can work out in your favor. Take a mutual lady friend with you, go with a group, hang out with some friends so that when she does see you, she’ll think you’re busy. Even if you clarify that the girl isn’t dating you it will still make her a little jealous, and it will show that you’re still desirable. After all, she could have come alone, but as far as your ex knows that girl chose to arrive with you.
Don’t let on that you’re still going after her at this point, and especially don’t let her know that you’re unhappy. Don’t bring up anything negative either, and if she does it first just agree with her to move on to something else and stay positive. Stay under the radar for the time being until the timing is perfect to reemerge as the man she always knew she wanted.
Now, what if you’re already living together? What if you work together? What if constant contact is unavoidable? Scarcity can take other forms, but you mostly want to focus on projecting that outer appearance of confidence and happiness. Go out more frequently and spend less time at home. If it’s work, try to spend more time with your team or nose buried in the job itself. Let her see that you are living just fine without her and she’ll wonder if maybe she made the wrong decision by letting it all go.
That’s when the setup is complete.
Create The Attraction
Once you’ve achieved the passive scarcity in your controlled absence from her life, you can start tugging her along. This takes advantage of basic human psychology, the harder something is to get the more we want it. This time, it’s her who has to do the chasing, not you.
This push and pull is based on wants versus needs. If you need her, that’s desperation, not to mention neediness, and is a weaker trait. What you want to project is a sense of wanting, but not needing. You need to make it clear that while a relationship is your goal, her presence there is not essential. That she isn’t needed. That will make her want to be there more, because it’s not a guarantee. It’s not something that will be given to her, and that makes it hard to get when you could potentially have open options.
You need to strike a balance between pushing her away and letting her take the incentive to attract you in the attempt to pull you back in. Don’t give in at the slightest opportunity. A relationship that’s easily repaired from a breakup can be broken as many times as she wants. It has to take way more than just a wink and a smile to get you back once she starts pulling.
You have to tantalize her into trying, make her do the work. Become desirable and then stay out of reach. With scarcity established she will begin to try establishing contact again. This is where you must manage your disinterest. Make it known that you have other things to do and don’t always have time for her. Not never, but not always. Remove availability that she used to be comfortable with and she will pursue it.
It’s like dangling a rope just out of a cat’s reach. It will wind up all of its energy to pounce on it, just because it’s not easier to get, and once it gets the string it will lose interest and let it go. This is exactly where the term “stringing along” comes from, this phenomenon of chasing things that are so easy to grasp while being hard to actually catch.
Stay on your toes and be active with your pushing and pulling. Try these Push techniques and avoid the obvious Pulls:
- Don’t be too Pushy, girls like assertive men, not jerks. Stay polite when rejecting her Pulls to hang out.
- Play off of her mood. Opposites attract, so you can pull her along by being aloof when she’s friendly and push her away by being happy when she’s happy.
- Body language is key. Just turning away from a conversation is a “Push”, and leaning in when she’s talking is a sign of “Pull”. You want her leaning in, reaching out and matching your mannerisms as sure signs that she’s trying to Pull you in so you can kindly and covertly Push back.
Push Yourself Forward
The most important person that needs Pushing is yourself. In a different sense this means moving forward from where the relationship ends. Moving on. Not to conclude it permanently. This is about getting her back, but if she’s not there now, then you don’t need to go back to where you were together. Don’t dwell on it. Start living again for yourself.
Self-improvement is key at this point. Establishing what could have ended the relationship and fixing those holes in your self should be a number one priority. But that borders on obsession, on living in the past and working to correct a mistake. Just doing that won’t be enough, especially if you come out and say you’re doing it for her. “I’m being better for you” is Desperation in action.
To move on, you need to disconnect. Separate yourself from what’s still lingering. That means removing as much of her from your life as possible and going back to square one of being single. You need to do some cleaning, physically and digitally, to remove the temptations that might lead you to contacting her and ruining your chances of winning her back.
- Delete her phone number. The only one who should be contacting her from now on is you, and you know you won’t if you can’t speed dial it.
- Delete messages, emails, private pictures. Get her off of instant messaging apps and accounts. No accidental contact of any kind.
- Gather up things she left behind or gave you and put them in a box. You don’t have to throw them away, but they shouldn’t be in plain sight anymore.
- Block out her profiles. I don’t mean literally block, or she’ll find out. That’s Aggression and a sign that you’re angry or depressed. Just don’t look at them anymore. Keep her in your contacts but sort her in a separate category that you won’t be using.
- Stay friends on Facebook, but in the way that you’re friends with someone you used to know from middle school who requested you six years ago and you’ve never spoken since. She’s just a face in the book, for now.
It takes a lot of self-control to keep yourself distanced. Removing the immediate access to these temptations will work a great amount. The only thing to keep active is a social media profile of hers, but you can’t look at it. There will be temptation to check up on her, see what she’s doing – that’s not for you to do. If anything, that’s what you want her to do, and she won’t do that if she knows you’re only online for her.
Return to business as normal pre-relationship as much as possible. Keep the good habits you picked up and remove the bad ones you still have so you can be your better self and take all the credit for your own growth. Once she sees how much you’ve improved without her she’ll be more desperate to get back with you.
Moving on is also about losing some of your previous self-control. You’re single now – that’s the mindset you need to get into. And single men think about other women. They talk to other women. They want to be sexual with other women.
Just don’t think of your ex the same way. Put her off the table. Thinking about her sexually will just lead to frustration and negative growth. Stay positive. All those thoughts she told you to never have about other women? It’s time to think those thoughts. It’s like a cheat day, have as much ice cream as you want. Enjoy yourself more. That positivity will come around in the end.
The Windup Phase – Getting Out There
You’ve made yourself scarce. Now you’re just two people that used to know each other, but the attachment is still between you. Your goal is to get her back and you’re willing to put in hard work, effort and a whole lot of guts to make it happen. But how will she know that if you can’t say it? If you can’t tell her you’re working hard to be the man she wants and needs without needing her to do it, how will she know?
When she sees your arm around another woman, that’s how. When she sees how you’re ready to get back at it and find love again she’ll wonder “Why not with me?”
You weren’t always “Her Boyfriend”. Remember, the before times? Long, long ago in the single bachelor lifestyle, you were living your best life and doing your thing. Part of that was finding a lady to live with, and then she came along, and now she’s gone. So it’s back to that life again.
Do the things you used to do, but do them with more energy and passion. The secret is you’re living that best single life for the sake of ending it, and it has to stay a secret. So secret that you should be able to convince yourself that you have moved on in the end. Just write a sticky note or something to remind yourself that your ex is still the goal, in case you go too hard and forget.
This is where you do all your visible improvements. The quiet time at home where you have to rein in your frazzled emotions is something that stays hidden. You will have weak moments – it’s fine – but reducing them is essential.
Get socializing. Hang out with friends and have a good time together. If they feel bad for you, let them know you’re ready to move on and relax for a while. Having a good group of friends is critical to spend your time together and provide laid back emotional support. If all your friends were friends with your ex as well, let them know there’s no hard feelings, but that you won’t see each other anymore.
That’ll make it more of a surprise when you get back together later.
But just being dug in as a single man for too long can take off your edge when it comes to women. Having some gal pals who are just one of the guys or girls with boyfriends of their own who hang out with you isn’t quite the same as going out on dates. For one, you can’t flirt with your friends. You really shouldn’t. Just don’t.
Date and flirt your heart away. Treat it like a hobby, just a fun pastime. You’ll be more confident having successful dates. And here’s the best part: even if you fail to impress, you’re not looking to start long term relationships anyway. Failure isn’t even failure! You already have a girl in the wing waiting to come back.
This will keep you sharp in your skills in talking to women. They’re tricky creatures, those female humans. It almost makes you wonder if we evolved from the same species. But learning what works and what doesn’t will clue you in on some of the more universal principles of how women behave. They’re all different, but not as different as they might think.
While you’re hitting the bars and clubs and fancy mid-range restaurants with girls, make sure you are staying visible with your progress. Post publicly to their accounts on Facebook or Instagram. Talk about what a good time you had and invite them to do the same. This is where it’s okay to let yourself be pulled along, because in reality, you’re just using them for the visible clout.
Your ex will definitely be checking in on you while you’re remaining scarce – that’s the point. And when she sees how much attention you’re getting from other women it’ll spark her jealousy. Womens’ natural curiosity is your best friend in these times. You might even get propositions from other ladies online to date you just because you’ve been out before.
And some of those ladies could be you!
This is a risky play, but if you aren’t going out that much or getting the public success you wanted, you can make a fake Facebook profile, set it to private and make a public post on your own wall about how good of a date you were. She won’t see that the account is fake (unless you screw it up and use, like, a famous actress for the photo) just that a cute girl is talking you up. Don’t rely on it or make it a long-term scheme. A few messages in a few days, then you move on and leave the account behind.
Finding Your Best Self
Dating isn’t all you should do while you’re single again. There’s a lot of hours in the day and not all of them can be spent thinking about women. Surprisingly, there’s way more things to do than that.
It’s time to up the ante in your workout. Spend your free time at the gym. If you weren’t going before, get there now. Physical fitness is one of the easiest and most successful forms of therapy. It releases rewarding endorphins you don’t get from any other activity, it improves blood flow and builds muscle.
Women like good, hard-bodied men. It’s an easy way to see that a man is strong. It’s not just about physical strength but also mental discipline that’s required to maintain that kind of form and figure without lapsing back into lazy, self-gratifying practices. She won’t want you back if you become a slave to your desires, if you’re so Needy and Depressed.
Working out improves your mental state as well. You will feel stronger, even if you’re still a few weeks out from upping that bench press. When you feel stronger you feel more confident and you can project that confidence easily. That’s the strength girls are looking for: confidence goes far.
So does endurance. Building up your stamina has endless benefits. It improves your heart rate, your breathing and your emotions. It’s hard to get in a sour mood when you’ve been training all day. This is because the hormones released when undergoing stable exercise reduce stress and anxiety.
Working out is a great distraction. When thoughts of your ex are too much to ignore, you can tune them out with some easy counting. One rep, two reps, up to ten, three sets at a time, then move on to the next station. An hour in the gym can turn a whole day into a positive upswing, where five minutes of worrying would otherwise turn the whole day into a slog.
Even if you’re already in good shape, you should know there’s always something better. And if you’re not, then this will be the most visible boost she will see when you meet again. Shedding weight isn’t easy. A hard workout isn’t enough to get rid of a spare tire and get those abs showing. You need a diet to go with it.
Changing things up from how you were in your relationship will give you time to explore more options in life. It can open new doors, and she can come back through any one of them. The one you open by your newly found lifting strength, or the one kept open to let the fresh air in with your fresh food – girls like a man who takes care of himself. It’s masculine to own your own responsibility.
While you’re single, you have to stay happy somehow. Do what most single guys do between failed dates or in their years of non-interaction: get a hobby. There’s shows to watch, discussions to have. More active hobbies like sports or competitions are always available.
But what you really want to do is explore hobbies you already know your ex will want to do with you. Think back to what you know about her and figure out what she likes to do. Something she always did with friends or alone that you never took an interest in, or didn’t get into that much while you were together. Now, go out and master it. It will be one more thing that you can spend time together doing, but this time it will be your idea. You will have control, and she’ll appreciate you being that strong leader even when serving your basic interests of fun and play.
A man who plays hard, lays hard.
Emergency Protocols – Make Sure She’s Free
There’s a lot of ways things can go wrong. If the breakup was especially bad, she might move away. This makes being scarce easy, but makes connecting again hard. Consider how desperate you’re feeling to get her back in the moment that the relationship ends. Now, imagine what you would do if you felt ten times worse.
So it’s time to face this biting question: What if she gets a new boyfriend?
The good news is statistics are on your side in this case. Relationships that are started too quickly after old ones have ended are bound to fail. These “Rebound” relationships are extremely fragile and are based on an immediate emotional state that will reduce and level over time.
They’ll basically be using their new boyfriend as cheap therapy to get the same highs without any of the conviction or attachment that she had with you. It’s a quick fix that can turn into a longer habit if it goes unchecked for too long. At best she’ll break it off and realize her mistake around the time when you’re ready to establish contact again, at which point she’ll be even more desperate to get back together.
What you need to do is stay present without being pushy. Confrontation is emotional, it shows that you’re weak to your impulses and that you’re jealous. You might be, but you can’t show it. Women are always judging their men, wondering if they can do better. Here’s how to inspire those thoughts in her to get her to turn her back on the new beau faster than he can say “What’s he got that I don’t got?”
- Stay positive. Smile, be polite and casual.
- Check your posture. Be confident. Chin up, chest out, and relax.
- Keep your hands calm. Not in the pockets, not fidgeting around.
- Don’t cross your arms, that’s defensive and hostile.
- Maintain eye contact, it puts on pressure while remaining polite.
- Don’t be the guy’s friend, just treat him like a chatty stranger.
- Let small talk happen, and use it to talk up yourself. Don’t brag or lord over him, just mention what you’re doing when it’s appropriate to the conversation.
If you do these things when meeting Him or Them together, you’ll assert the positive confidence that she will like. Her new boyfriend will notice and get increasingly insecure. He knows his role in this game as well. It’s his job to keep her from thinking about you, but it’s not your job to stop her from thinking about him.
You just need her to think about you more often. The more desperate her new guy gets to affirm himself, the more Pushy and Needy he’ll act. Once you get him acting Desperate, she’ll wonder why she even bothered and be over it. Instead of wanting a new partner to feel sad with, she’ll just want to feel happy like normal, with you.
The Knockdown Phase – Get Yourself Together
You’ve waited an appropriate amount of time and left her guessing the whole while. You’ve been nice enough that she suspects you’ve moved on and have improved yourself to the point where she wants back in. You get her set up, you’ve taken your stance. Bases are loaded. Final inning. It’s time to pitch your perfect game.
Or hit a grand slam. Whatever side of the metaphor you want to fall on, either way, it’s time to Win. Her. Back.
You’ve gone through the self-improvement routine already. Even just a month can produce some good results. The new habits and hobbies you’ve started will go a long way for the rest of this process. It may take a day, a week, or another month and a half before she’s ready to come back, but time is on your side.
Once she’s been attracted enough, you want her to be confident in her choice. No second guesses, once she wants back in you need to make that all she thinks about without opening the door and inviting her. You still have work to do to make yourself even better than when she left.
The first thing she’ll see is your looks. Are you styling? Are you fashionable? Do you look like the man she wished you were? After that, it’s the personality test. Have you improved in your confidence? Your sense of humor? Women judge men on a huge list of variables that you can prepare for in advance:
- Good clothes. Shop with a lady friend and get her opinions.
- Fitted clothes. Nothing baggy. Even if you need to work on your body, you should own it as yours.
- Hygiene. Clip the nails, trim the hair – the small hairs too, the mustache and the nose hairs, the space between the eyebrows. Yes, even the eyebrows. Tweezers are unisex.
- Feel clean. Keep yourself fresh. No week-long shower breaks. Shampoo and conditioner for the head, toothpaste and brush for the teeth.
- Have time and weather appropriate gear. Squinting is less attractive than wearing sunglasses. Don’t overdress for weather, a jacket is enough for the cold.
- Girls like shoes and so should you. Solid black leather loafers are the gentleman’s choice.
- Good grooming. Trim the beard and get your hair styled. Work with how you already look and make improvements. Don’t try to copy other faces when you can’t change your own.
- In extreme cases, such as chipped teeth or busted features, save up for surgery. Don’t just do it for her. This helps you, too.
You can make up for all sorts of harsh judgements with the way you carry yourself. You must have seen guys with thinned out hair, big guts and gnarly teeth walking with hotties – or girls who were hot before when the men were just as gross. Are they rich? Could be, but even gold diggers have to have standards.
It’s all about presentation and confidence. A girl who only dates “tall men” who doesn’t have an outright height fetish isn’t actually looking for someone tall. She wants the feelings associated with tallness, security and dominance, which any guy can put forward with enough effort.
Attraction isn’t something that takes a long list of checks and balances or a huge internal debate. Attraction isn’t a choice women make. If a man uses all the right techniques to make himself attractive, then she will be attracted to him. And it’s even easier when the girl – your ex – was attracted to you before. She’ll remember those feelings in time and be running back.
It’s finally time to reconnect, and the easiest way to start is by texting. It’s simple and quick, casual bites of conversation you can trade off without thinking too hard. Talking via text is different than talking with your voice. All the control you have over the words you pick with no direct time limit is balanced by the nuance and special meanings these words will have whether you intend it or not.
When you want to get back to talking, prepare yourself with a few quick guidelines:
- Be positive. Nothing negative, don’t bring up the breakup, just keep topics fun and irreverent.
- Be cool. You’re just doing this because you want to. Treat it like you’re passing time, and you can do something else if you want to.
- Don’t expect anything. The first text might not work the way you want it, but that’s fine. Try again another day – not another hour the same day. Be patient. You’ve got plenty of bait to try, but all fish bite eventually.
Limit the initial texting to once a week, the same way you might handle family or distant friends who you can’t hang out with but want to acknowledge from time to time. When she feels put in that place, she’ll get more desperate to come closer. When you Push, she will Pull.
You’re not trying to instill guilt or directly influence her jealousy. This is a crucial time where she wants to get back together but is still unwilling to let go of what drove you apart before. There’s still that lingering negativity that’s keeping her from making a move on you.
What’s stopping her is most likely all the positive memories you used to have. You probably thought about them a lot over your self-reflective time alone. The messages you send should be friendly, incidental, and drive home that you still remember the good times, but aren’t dwelling on them constantly.
Here are a few simple ideas that you can expand on with what you know about her:
- Bring up an old memory in context. If you bonded over the same sports team and their game is on, text her that you’re cheering them on. She’ll think of all the times you did that together.
- Tell her about a new restaurant that fits her taste. DON’T invite her (yet), just let her know that you’re aware of something she might like.
- Play on the silver linings. Bad stuff happens all the time that gets reported on. If something catches your eye, tell her you hope she’s okay with it going on. It’ll make you look more aware of the world and her place in it.
Once you send a message, you should be prepared for the response. It’s not a one-way street. You want your signals to get read the right way without seeming like you’re speeding. It’s all about the proper pacing. Here are some broad responses and how you should handle the steps after receiving them:
- Something Positive: If she starts up a proper conversation, uses light cheerful language and is accepting of your message, good. You’re on the right track. Just don’t dwell on it and stay in control of the conversation. You should end it, make sure it’s clear you’re just being nice, and then wait another few days. Once she starts texting you is when you can finish the job.
- Something Neutral: If her response is just a one word or simple emoji back, don’t worry. Match the tone and stay neutral. Being too happy or too aggressive to her lack of response is emotionally irresponsible. It’s Needy or Pushy, both bad. Just match it and stay polite. The main thing to remember is you have to end the conversation to maintain power in the relationship.
- Something Bleh: This isn’t the bottom of the barrel reaction, but it’s nothing good. Something like “I can’t deal with talking to you right now” or “I don’t want to talk about this with you.” She’s likely still sorting through her emotions, even if it’s been a month or two. In that case, be polite and understanding. Say “I understand. I hope the best for you from now on.” It sounds final but to her there’s still something there. It may seem hopeless but if you give it time – a few weeks – and try again she might be more happy to see you than she thinks.
- Something Bad: While all of this has led up to the fated reunion between you and your ex, this is where you’ll start to get the real signs that there’s no return. It sucks, but if it happens it’ll be in this stage. If she’s still angry at you for the breakup after more than a month, do as above. Be understanding and end the conversation, but wish her well. Nothing too needy or forced. It might mellow her out to coming back around. Otherwise, don’t wait up on her much longer.
- Something Final: “It’s Over” “Don’t text me again” “We’re done, get over it”. Sometimes it comes to this. Being Desperate won’t help, begging makes you seem Needy, getting angry is too Pushy and Aggressive. If that’s the case, you can still be the last one to talk and apologize for the text. Then, with your new and improved self, you can move on for good and start something new. At least the time spent up to here wasn’t wasted.
- Nothing: You might not get any answer. This could be good or bad. She could be happy to hear from you but too nervous to speak, or you might get ghosted without knowing it. Wait a few days and try again. Make it seem like happenstance and don’t put it on a tight schedule.
Text messaging is like a whole language unto itself. The syntax and verbiage, the dynamic of words without body language and the difficulties of intonation that remove sarcasm or sincerity from everything you say can make words alone hard to work with. She’ll judge every single word you type down to the spacing between the other words in the sentence.
Keep texts short, simple, friendly and provocative to the ideas and memories of fun you had together. “Remember the time when we “and so on can be a good start. Pair it up with something going on in your life and invite her to share that memory. If things are going well, she’ll do it, even if she doesn’t reply to you.
Once you’re talking over texts again, take the ultimate step in control and suggest you do it in person, where it’s easier to get all your ideas across.
It’s time to get face to face and meet up with your ex. If you’ve done everything right, she’ll be willing to go along with it. If not, give it more time, keep improving yourself, keep projecting that wantful goodness to her through small interactions and wait for her to accept or make the first move.
Now remember: This is NOT a Date. Don’t even joke about it. Just treat it as a friendly meeting where you can talk like you used to. This is where you build up the long term attraction and recover what was lost before. She’ll see how much you’ve changed and wonder how much better things will be if she just got back together with you.
Once you’re sure she’s comfortable you can start treating it like a date again. Do some catching up on what she’s missed out on, but let her do a lot of the talking too. Control the conversation so it stays on the positive end and steers your way into the obvious self-improvement you’ve done. Mirror her own stories with yours, but stay humble. If she talks about her family, mention yours and share whatever good times (make something believable up if there were none) you’ve had since you broke up. Or treat your friends like family and include stories about them as well. Let her know that your life is in an upswing ever since you took the breakup so well.
Just don’t argue. Arguments are the bane of any relationship no matter how far along it is. New, building up, middling out or teetering, Arguments are bad because they always descend into emotional banter where no one is allowed to be wrong.
If you feel an argument coming on, or a disagreement that might go too far, just let her take the lead. Don’t give into any emotions to respond in a way that would continue the argument at that time. It’s a Date, not a Debate. Once she gets her thoughts off her chest she’ll realize just how much emotion there was and how little real substance there was to argue about in the first place. Tiny, petty little things can blow up because of a feedback loop of answering anger with anger and building up a constant emotional one-upping that leads to Fighting, and Fights End Date Nights.
Follow along with the most basic date tips when you start getting together. Treat it like any new relationship and take things slow.
- Be a gentleman. Women want a man who they feel safe and protected with. Hold the door for her, walk on the car-side of the sidewalk, hold her hand and make the pace she keeps. Be the leader.
- Don’t try too hard. Don’t “make up for lost time” either. This should be a return to the normal she’s missed out on, not a reintroduction to a whole new person. You’re still you, just better.
- No movies. Not that you could, anyway. Theaters are opening up slowly but that doesn’t make them a good date spot. Your first get togethers should be about talking and take as long as you both need.
- Try new menus. Going to the old classics or nostalgic restaurants where you spent time together before is nice, but you can also show her the new things you’ve been into. Find some place with exotic drinks or fancy desserts. Make it a treat to be out with you so she feels rewarded by your presence.
- Lead. This is part of the Attraction cultivation from before. You have to make a plan and stick with it. Be confident and be certain while staying relaxed and in control of everything. Women love leaders. Rather than asking her where you want to go – you already know the answer, stick with it and be happy so she’ll be happy, too.
- Relax. Don’t forget, whether you treat it as a date or get together, it should be a positive time with a friend. Don’t rush her or pressure her for the next time or whatever. When it’s all over, let her know how much fun you had and that you’ll still stay in contact. Even if she says “good bye”, she won’t really mean it.
Don’t rush things. Just like a new relationship, starting one over takes time to build up that crucial Attraction. If she doesn’t show up or cancels or turns down future invitations, that’s fine. Change your plans and do something else instead. The next time you try, you can be more specific about the plans so it’s harder for her to forget. Meet on a date that’s important to both of you, or over an event you know she’ll enjoy so she’s less likely to back out – and most importantly make sure she’s associating all of this fun with You.
Doing and Don’ting it Right
While you’re hitting it off all over again, don’t forget the principles of attraction. Everyone needs a reminder of the basics. You got a girlfriend once and trying to get the same one a second time might seem like a walk in the park, but things change and the old pitching arm can get rusty. There’s also some new moves you might need to plan out – ones you might have done already without knowing just how important they actually are.
- Manage body language. Keep eye contact up, show her you’re engaged – especially when flirting.
- Get in close. Little, measured movements of getting inside her personal space when the mood is good elevates flirting into full seduction.
- Learn to use Kino (Kinesthetic) motions. These are the small touches across the body – above the clothes – that send oxytocin through the brain. A touch on the upper arm, putting your hand over hers, a nudge under the ribs when you find something funny will turn a good joke into a great one.
- Match the energy. Read the mood and don’t stray too far from it. Try and lead the mood on to stay in control without breaking it.
- Keep an eye on her. Make it look like you’re trying to figure out what she’s hiding, like you want to get into her mind. Your curiosity in her will spark her curiosity in you, making her easier to read and lead along.
- Stay in charge. You arranged the get together, you are in control. Don’t let her lead conversations all over the place, focus them and engage respectfully so she knows that you’re the man in charge.
- Be a little cocky. When she notices your self-improvements you can point them out humorously. Don’t downplay your achievements, be proud of yourself and confident. A little bit of sarcasm or exaggeration is better for the mood than self-deprecation or pity.
- Don’t get clingy. Don’t follow her around if she gets up to do something. It’s easier for her to think good about you when she knows you’re not looking.
- Getting close is one thing, but don’t lean in and whisper. A quiet voice is weak, but a louder voice saying the same thing (as long as it’s not too inappropriate) is more manly and commands presence.
- Don’t make her angry. This balances out with your cockiness. Don’t slap another girl passing by on the butt or make flirty catcalls just to show off. It’s about the two of you, everyone else is just there for scenery.
- Be playful but not childish. You should know her sense of humor well enough to gel with it. No food fights or pouring drinks on the floor. Be a Man that can laugh at his own jokes while giving her the time and space to laugh with you, not at you.
While talking, make sure you say the right thing that makes you more Attractive. Be a little mysterious, leave some of her questions unanswered. Save that for the boring ones that don’t apply to the two of you directly. Keep her mind on couple issues by talking about the people around you, or bringing up the people you both knew when you were together.
Don’t be afraid to create a break between conversation topics with compliments. Try handing her some immaterial things, like how she sounds more confident or happy. Complimenting a dress or her makeup will give her an easy explanation, but directing compliments to how she acts or how she feels will give her time to wonder why, and the first answer she’ll have to think of is probably you.
Your ex is more than just a girl you used to know. You may be treating her that way but you know her better than most people do. You’ve seen sides of her that she’d never show her friends or family. Use that knowledge to your advantage, press on her personal space safely and let her do the same. Establishing those connections will remind her why you started dating in the first place.
After a few get togethers, dates, rendezvous or whatever you want to call them, you might end up seeming like more and more of a couple again. It could take weeks or months after the initial split, but if you keep up with self-improvement and build up that Attraction over time, eventually she’ll come around.
Go back to how things started. Who asked who out? Did you make the first move, like a Man does, and win her over with your Attractive appeals? How would she feel if she had to wait all this time to see you become better than when she left you only to be the one to ask you out instead?
Don’t let her. Remain in control, and don’t get broken up with again. The next time you ask, if you’ve done everything right, you’ll hear a yes. Now you’re in a better place than before, you’ve become confident and self-motivated, a leading man who can control himself and his relationship. That’s a man no girl will ever want to leave.
Break a Few Eggs
It sucks when relationships end. It hurts both people, even if it was mutual. But, is it ever really? Relationships start for a reason, they must also end for a reason too, but sometimes that reason doesn’t happen for years and years and years. Some couples stick around til death do them part. But were they together the whole time?
Taking breaks for couples, even strong couples, is more common than you might think. It’s when confidence wanes and mistakes turn into full blown bad habits that the break never repairs. That’s when men fail themselves and fail their partners, too. They don’t have the strength to pick themselves up again and will give up at the first unread text they send. You can’t be that man. You’ve got to be better.
This whole process is about getting your ex back with you because there’s still something in her that you feel is compatible with you. You haven’t given up because you’re sure that if things work out differently then you’ll both be better off than if you were alone or with someone else. But you can’t just say that.
Human psychology is fighting with you and against you. The Push/Pull theory and the Attraction phenomena are part of your arsenal and hers. It comes down to who’s more clever with using their words and their minds to win the other back.
Your partner should never be like an enemy to you who you have to constantly win against in arguments and tiny encounters throughout the day. That’s a relationship that’s better left broken if it’s all you do. Take charge as a Man and assert confident answers to her concerns and let arguments flitter out as they happen.
Whatever mistakes you made before – even if nothing was really your fault – don’t test the waters and make them again. Once you both move past whatever broke you up, just be happy its in the past and plan for the future. You have a whole new set of mental tools to work with. Don’t give up your new routines just because you got back together. This new you is your gift to yourself, and if she likes you better that’s a bonus, not a life goal.
To summarize this whole thing, here’s what you need to do when your girlfriend breaks up and you want her back:
- Make yourself hard to get
- Improve yourself, rebuild from the ground up
- Live your best life while she’s gone
- Stay positive and friendly with her
- Don’t pursue, be pursued
- Create attractiveness so she will want you
- Stay sharp, see other people in the meantime casually
- Keep her available, work to remind her of you if she’s not
- Keep contact simple and sparse
- Build up slowly and carefully to regular conversations
- Start getting together one day at a time
This is working advice that has already helped men get their girls and repair broken bonds. The silver lining is, if you girl is too far gone, just trying will get you in a better shape to start over with someone new, and you’ll know how to keep her around once it’s time to start fresh.
Stop worrying, start working. Don’t say Goodbye, say Get Her Back!